bailey:
Hello, father!
Toby:
What's up, Bailey Diane Garner.
bailey:
How's it going?
Toby:
It's going just fine and dandy.
bailey:
Good, good. What are the temps today?
Toby:
extremely warm. Let's just put it that way.
bailey:
So any cool fronts in your future?
Toby:
Not that I can see, not yet anyway.
bailey:
We were talking with our friends in California and their heat, their hot days were in the eighties and here in Texas and Mississippi, that would be a cold day about
Toby:
Yeah,
bailey:
now.
Toby:
I'm trying pretty hard not to talk to anybody who lives north of me.
bailey:
Well, that's a lot of people that live north of you, so you're just basically talking to no one
Toby:
Basically, yeah, just me.
bailey:
That's funny well you caught me on a day that should be an interesting podcast I should have Texted you beforehand that said I might cry today, so
Toby:
Uh oh, what's up?
bailey:
Note, so we're recording this in the morning after drop off and it was a hard morning getting child number three, Esther to school. Lots of emotions these days that child has. For no, for I don't, for what reason? I don't know, because she's a kid.
Toby:
So what happened?
bailey:
Oh, just not wanting to do the things. It started with the downward spiral after she couldn't reach her blanket on the floor. And I told her she could pick it up herself. And apparently she can't do that. And so that just started all the everything. My life is horrible. You hate you don't like me.
Toby:
Mm-hmm.
bailey:
Everything
Toby:
Sorry
bailey:
so.
Toby:
about that, B.
bailey:
Yeah. Oh, anyways. And then in the midst of that, I feel like Grant and I are just miscommunicating. So it just feels like one of those kind of days. So really, I think I wanted to ask you like what, because I think a lot of parents can have days like this where it just feels like everything is hard. And how are you going to get? to the next day. So my mind always instantly goes to, I just need to see a therapist. And I think, I think like we, you know, have shared your story of going to therapy. We have, that's something that we at Gobi talk about and we definitely suggest, but I think I wanted to ask you. when you know the right time that like to do that, it's a big investment for a family. But I think like a lot in the past couple of years, I've. been in these moments of just like, feels like I just need someone to help me. But I don't know if it's just cause I'm having a bad day. So, you know, like, how do you know? What's just a bad day? What's a smart decision for your like, to be proactive in your life?
Toby:
I'm sorry, baby. Well, I think, let me say a couple of things and then we'll talk about your question. One is, I've probably talked this week to six people that have kids in your season of life and they're all struggling. Everyone is struggling. It's not just you. I think that's the big lie we believe. When it gets challenging at home that, you know, it's got to be me, I'm not doing something right. And these transitions... what I call mini transitions, you know, there's big transitions from no school to school for the first time or going into elementary or, you know, middle or high school or college. Those transitions, you have to be really aware of the impact that those can have in your life. But these mini transitions are equally Maybe not at the level of severity, but they are a challenge and they're equally challenging no matter where you find yourself and So the question you're really asking is when I come to a time of this kind of mini transition You have an outside influence an outside extenuating circumstance that is causing a lot of this stress And so when that comes the question is, you know, what do I do? When do I know that I need to go see it? therapist and man for people who are new to our conversations, I'm a huge therapy guy. I just don't think therapists are the first resort. I think they're the second or third resort after you have used some of the tools available to you to help you make your way up these waterfalls of these many transitions that you're having. I think a lot of times when we're pretty emotional, whether we're depleted emotionally or whether we've been hurt emotionally, whatever it is, that it's easy to react in a way to look for something quickly that's going to bring into how you're feeling or how you're responding, when sometimes the fact of the matter is it's small things done over time. that bring progress to your life. And so, like in your case, let's just use you as an example. I would say that looking for regular ways to fill yourself back up, this is part of this is a sign of you being emotionally depleted, whether it's a recommitment to the 40 I ams in some form or fashion, getting a Bible study. taking 30 minutes a day with music or something that is specifically designed to fill you up. And then in conversations with a friend, as you begin to practice those things, if you're not seeing, not resolving that issue, but progress in how you're responding and how things are, I mean, then I think you start thinking about talking to a counselor or a therapist about... some new ways you might cope or deal with where you are. But you have a lot of tools at your disposal at the moment. And I wouldn't go see a therapist until you began to use some of those tools in your own life. Because the strongest you can be is operating out of the tools that you have. You know, for me, these tools that we offer at Gobi have been built over the last 30 years of my life. And so. Those tools have made me stronger because I've used them. I've watched them bring progress into my life. My therapist has made me stronger because some of the things I use are things that my counselor has told me at different times and different seasons of my life. There are times I need to go check in with my therapist. I just don't want it to be the first thing I do. I want to try to work through some of these things myself. And then when I find myself not able to cope, I call them out of body experiences where I'm yelling at my kids or I'm sobbing uncontrollably in my room where I'm listless on the couch and can't seem to get up. When I find myself in those spots, now it's time for me to go and take another step in using a tool in my toolbox to try to find emotional wellness. That's a
bailey:
Yeah.
Toby:
long answer to how do you know when? Well, it's not an exact science. But I would tell you, this is where you ought to begin.
bailey:
It's interesting because I was reading, I was doing like a Bible plan on the Bible app about parenting and they said on there that when your kids become teenagers is the hardest season. I was like, oh crap, I'm not going to make it. So it's like, oh man, it just feels like.
Toby:
It's a different hard, Bailey. It's not harder than this season. It's just a different kind of hard.
bailey:
Yeah, it's I just think that when you're in the middle of it and you feel like you're getting hit at all sides that it feels like I can't always see from the outside looking in, you know, like sometimes if you're in a good spot, you can step back and be like what's true and what's you know, all that stuff. But then whenever you're in the middle and you feel like you can't get out. it's hard to look from a different perspective or like step outside of your, of your situation and tell yourself it'll get better. So,
Toby:
Yeah,
bailey:
and I
Toby:
that-
bailey:
know that's why you have communities. So I think I also just don't like feeling pain.
Toby:
Well, yeah, I've never met the person who likes feeling pain. But pain is what is the impetus for change. You think of anything in your life where there's been significant transformation or change, it always started with a pain point. It's what pain does. That's how God leverages your pain. That's Romans 8.28, how God uses all things for good. He leverages your pain for your good. And pain is a signal. of some type of change that needs to happen in your life. But this is a unique season for your family. Grant's gone back to work. There's no telling what kind of pressure he's feeling as they start the season. He's trying to get back into a rhythm and dealing with challenges he hasn't dealt with in a few months. You've got a daughter who hasn't. She's testing the boundaries. This is the opportunity you have to teach her. what boundaries are, what she can and can't do. And that's a new experience for her. She's gotten older. You got boys who are tired from getting in the rhythm of school and a mama who's tired. So all of that comes together as a perfect storm. And I don't want you to hear me saying, don't see a therapist. I would just ask you, what have you done before you've gotten to the place where you instantly, you know, if I've got a If something is wrong with my body physically, I'm going to think, okay, what have I been eating? You know, what have I been drinking? What kind of sleep pattern am I having? What kind of, you know, things have I been doing? And I'm going to try to adjust those. And if that doesn't help, I'm going to go see, you know, my family doctor. It's the same, I think it's the same principle.
bailey:
Yeah, no, that's good. I think that we've talked about this a lot on the podcast is there's so many things that we could be doing as parents, you know, and, and even like in your marriage that it feels like I constantly feel overwhelmed with where to, where to start or how to like focus on my marriage and focus on my kids. You know, how to. learn about each one of my kids, how they, you know, what each one of them needs and what my husband needs and what I need for myself. It's like just so much to process, I guess, or think about every day. So.
Toby:
Yeah, I know you've heard me say this before, but the enemy of feeling overwhelmed is doing nothing. That's the enemy. And the answer to feeling overwhelmed is doing something. And so you sit there and you say, I have my kids, I've got myself, I've got my marriage. That's overwhelming when you think of all the places you could be working. And so the danger is, well, I'm just not going to work on any of them because there's too many to work on. And the answer really is, Hey, I'm going to do something. You know, I'm going to, I'm going to take a small step and get a small victory. We need just a little win in our lives. And it's amazing how our perspective changes when we get one small win in our lives. And I think that's a part of this. what the Bible calls contentment. You know, I think we think about contentment and, oh, I don't need a new pair of shoes or I don't need this. And yeah, that's a part of it. But I think the other part of it is, man, I'm going to be content with where, with a small win right now and live in the tension of there are other areas that need to get better and they're going to get better just like this one area did. So I'm going to, I'm going to be able to celebrate the little win and not wait for everything to be. perfect before I can be healthy.
bailey:
That's a good word, for sure.
Toby:
So my question for you is, what's one thing you can do today for you that puts you in a better spot? And then what's one thing that you can do with Grant that cannot make everything some Hallmark movie, but takes you one step toward a better place? And what's one thing you can do with each of the kids. And when you begin to focus on those one small things, things progressively begin to get better.
bailey:
That's good, thank you. Well, this might not be an episode we can use. Because I'm crying like a baby, but at the same time, I feel like there's probably a lot of people that feel that way at times, so maybe
Toby:
I
bailey:
it's
Toby:
think
bailey:
good.
Toby:
lots of people feel that way, not at times, but right now. I think there's lots of moms who feel overwhelmed right now. I know there are. I walked into my church home on Sunday and heard it from 10 people. Then I had a meeting yesterday with a young pastor. We ended with, well, how's it going? Well, start of school. He just told your story. It's the kids are tired. They don't want to, it's light outside. They don't want to go to bed yet, but they need rest, all those things. So you're not the only one.
bailey:
Yeah. Well, thank you. Well, would you end us with a prayer today? And then for everyone that's feeling this way, selfishly for me too. And then hopefully the next episode will be a little more perky.
Toby:
Yeah, I'd love to pray for you. So Father, I just thank you that you're not surprised that we struggle. You're not... I'm grateful that you're not disappointed in us. but you want to walk with us. And I would pray, Father, that you would put in Bailey and all these mamas past, someone today that can walk with them, someone that has walked before them, that can speak life into them, and that you would give them a chance to help someone that's not where they are yet. I pray, Father, that they would find peace, that their heart could be content with small wins, not just big ones, and that... They would remember that you are with them and you with them is enough to help them keep moving forward. And so bless them today as mamas, as dads, as husbands, as wives, as young couples. Bless them with every gift from heaven. It's in Jesus' name I pray, amen.
bailey:
David, thanks. Next time I'll bring a tissue.
Toby:
You turn
bailey:
Love
Toby:
the
bailey:
you,
Toby:
recording
bailey:
dad.
Toby:
off.
bailey:
I will, but I was gonna say bye first.
Toby:
Well, can't you just stop it without?
bailey:
Yes, I got it. Okay, I think that's...